For all of you worried that Brian ‘Tater’ Stelter would never work again after his inglorious exit from FakeNews CNN… Relax. The ‘Human Potato’ has a new gig.
**FakeNewsAlert**
Breaking News… John Travolta Hospitalized
John Travolta was hospitalized Saturday for a suspected COVID-19 infection, but doctors now confirm now that it was only a Saturday Night Fever. They are assuring all of Mr. Travolta’s fan that he will be Staying Alive for the foreseeable future.
Bee Gees – Stayin’ Alive (Saturday Night Fever)
**/sarc ‘n /snark
Eau de Toilette – The Fragrance of FakeNews CNN
It must be true. All you have to do is Google it.
**FakeNewsAlert**
Creepy Porn Lawyer, Michael Avenatti’s Newest Client
Things “Michelle” Avenatti could have said but was beaten to the punchline by Rodney Dangerfield.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Thanks BrainyQuote
Tony Robbins Ditches His Trademark “Firewalk” Event
Tony Robbins, noted motivational speaker, has ‘extinguished’ his famous Firewalking event because of an outbreak of burned ‘toesies from the hot coalsies‘. Not to be deterred, Robbins, ever the entrepreneur and promoter, has developed a new and even more trying (read mo’ money) “Firewalk, without the fire.” It’s the Lego Firewalk Challenge.
**FakeNewsAlert**
Kim Jong-un Out Negotiates Donald Trump
You can blame Dennis Rodman for presenting a copy of Trump’s own “Art of the Deal” to his BFF Kim Jong-Little Big Mac, or you can say it was a stroke of genius. But Kim may just get what he wants the most out of the Singapore Summit.
**Really FakeNews Alert**
Russian Poop Collusion
The Russians were caught ‘red-handed’ stirring up more poop, according to pooch’s Boris and Natasha.
Donald Trump Bombs Syria
Stock footage of the attack on Damascas, Syria provided by FakeNews CNN. Heh.
**FakeNewsAlert** that’s really your salad fixin’s growing.
Sure Cure For Hillary’s Cough
Uncle Vlad recommends a shot of Old Crow, a little honey, and a dash of lemon to pair with the ‘certain’ piquancy of the brew.
Representative ‘Studs’ Swalwell
Democratic Representative Eric Swalwell appears to be fixated on the “studs” in the Trump Administration. I couldn’t quite figure out whether he was making a veiled reference to Stormy Daniels, or refurbishing the Oval Office for Trump’s second term. Now rumor does have it that Mr. Swalwell has spent some serious time personally investigating the Trump/Stormy connection. He brags that he’s logged at least 40 hours on Ms. Daniels rather ‘ample’ website.
Somebody had both the facts (IG and DOJ) and cajones to not let McCabe pull a #LoisLerner . You, Mr. Swalwell, should be less worried about the 'studs' in the Trump organization and more worried about Barack Obama's pension. After all, a fish rots from the head.
— ThePublicEditor.com (@TPE_PubEditor) March 17, 2018
**Disclaimer–Just kidding, Mr. Swalwell. We won’t know for sure that you’ve been using your Government computer to log onto porn sites until we finish the investigation. Oh, and as far as using your Congressional Expense Account to pay for your PornHub subscription….? I’m sure you have a perfectly logical explanation.
**FakeNewsAlert**
Tide Pod ‘Secret Snacker’
Jimmy’s hurrying to stock up on his favorite Tide Pod snackies before the age restriction and ID check goes into effect. When asked what his plans were for staying stocked with the tasty little treats ‘post-ban’, Jimmy said, “I know the addresses of all the Procter & Gamble employees within 100 miles of here. I’ll just kidnap some family members and ….well, you can figure out the rest of the plan.”
**FakeNewsAlert**
Teddy’s Last Dinosaur Hunt
Teddy Roosevelt bags the last known Triceratops during a Bighorn sheep hunt in Montana. The future president was quoted as saying, “I’m going to need to get a bigger wall for that bad boy.”
**FakeNewsAlert**
Procter & Gamble’s New Line of “Tide Snacks” – Easter Candy Shortage Update
Capitalizing on the unexpected success of “Tide Pods”, P&G just released these new and possibly tasty additions. Update – The demand for Tide Pods “Peeps” Easter Candy has been so exuberant that shelves are already emptied. Disappointed shoppers were heard to say that “these Pod Peeps went faster than a $99 dollar 60 Inch Big Screen TV at Walmart on Black Friday”.
