The Babylon Bee

News Ripped From The Headlines Of “News Yet to Come”

by

Female Weightlifter Suffers Tragic Testicle Injury Just Weeks Before Tokyo Olympics

The Babylon Bee–100% totally female weightlifter Laurel Hubbard was forced to bid farewell to her Olympic dreams yesterday after a tragic accident left her with a severely lacerated testicle. Hubbard would have been the first transgender woman to compete in the Olympics.

The injury is not life-threatening, but doctors have advised Hubbard that she needs to refrain from heavy lifting for at least six to eight weeks as her injury heals. Obviously, that means Olympic weightlifting is off the table.

**The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come (“News Yet to Come”) appropriately appropriated from Charles Dickens
**/sarc ‘n /snark

Meanwhile In Canada (by way of Cornwall) – “Mon Dieu! Benoit? Summon the Mounties.”

by

Masculine Pronouns??  Justin says “Nyet! Vladie. There ain’t no stinking masculinity here…”

The Babylon Bee–World War 3 was nearly started after G7 attendees referred to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau using masculine pronouns, misgendering the progressive, inclusive, genderless leader.

“Excuse me — him?” an indignant Trudeau said after he overheard Putin referring to him using male pronouns. “How dare you! Did you just assume my gender? Wow. I mean, I thought this was the current year!”

Flintstones Vitamins With ‘Advanced’ Puberty Blockers

by

Babylon Bee–Bayer AG, the multinational pharmaceutical corporation, has announced a brand new line of trans-friendly Flintstones vitamins laced with puberty-blocking hormones. To help normalize early childhood transition, the vitamins will be on sale over the counter without restriction.

Flintstones vitamins’ new girl-to-boy chewables will be made of anabolic steroids with vitamins and delicious fruit flavors added in. The vitamins will be completely organic and hormone-free– except, of course, for the synthetic hormones which are the active ingredient.

Other Puberty Blocking ‘Strateries’

**/sarc ‘n /snark
**Found here.

The Kindle Bonfire – Fahrenheit 451 Is Reality

by

Amazon Removes Book Critiquing Transgender Movement

Daily Caller–Amazon removed the bestselling book “When Harry Became Sally: Responding To The Transgender Moment” from its online store on Sunday, the book’s author announced.

Published in 2018 by then-Heritage Foundation research fellow and now-Ethics and Public Policy Center President Ryan T. Anderson, the book was an immediate bestseller, even on Amazon, according to the Washington Post. However, the online shopping giant removed the book on Sunday, Anderson tweeted.

Fahrenheit 451 (2018) Official Trailer

Mike Lindell, The ‘My Pillow’ Guy, Tired Of Being Cancelled, Gets Woke

by

In Effort To Appeal To Socialists, Mike Lindell Introduces ‘OurPillow’

The Babylon Bee–Mike Lindell, more commonly known as the “MyPillow Guy,” is making headlines once again with his newest line of pillows. MyPillow is now targeting the socialist demographic with the release of OurPillow.

“MyPillow did really well in the Trump era, but now with a new administration, it’s time to try out OurPillow, my comrades!” said an exuberant Mike Lindell. “And we are proud to announce that we are transitioning to overseas factories so every OurPillow will be made 100% in the communist utopia of China!”

**/sarc ‘n /snark
**Found here.

CNN’s Mount Rushmore Trigger Warning

by

Footage Of Trump’s Patriotic Event At Mount Rushmore is Vewy, Vewy Scawey.  Head To Your Safe Space, Snowflakes.

Babylon Bee—In a move to make sure its primary audience of dumb snowflake triggered sissy libs wasn’t scarred for life, CNN graciously broadcast a trigger warning ahead of its report on Trump’s “dangerously patriotic” speech in front of Mount Rushmore last week.

The message warned CNN’s dozens of viewers that they would soon see horrifying carvings of long-dead racist presidents, President Trump saying some words, and also some disturbing American flags. CNN anchors then encouraged viewers with any liberal relatives in the room to turn away for a few minutes so as not to melt instantly into a puddle of liberal tears.

/sarc ‘n /snark

Read more

It’s Not The Coronavirus Knocking At Your Door

by

Mormon Church Switches To Missionary Robots – Kicks Bicycles To Curb

The Babylon Bee–As more organizations and religions try to navigate the coronavirus outbreak, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has unveiled its new army of missionary robots. The robots will go from door to door spreading Mormon beliefs.

“GREETINGS, HUMAN. DO YOU HAVE A MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST?” the robots say when you open the door. “NON-BELIEVER DETECTED. DEPLOYING CONVERSION PROTOCOL.”

One man confronted with one of the early models of the LDSBOT9000 attempted to change the subject to the weather: “Yeah, nice day we’re having, isn’t it?” he said nervously.

Styx – Mr. Roboto (Official Video)

**Found here.
**/sarc ‘n /snark